Indie Campers was the name of the campervan company we used for our Van Life adventure.  We named our camper Indie when we got her as on the side it said “Keep Smiling, Go Indie!”.  Here is my letter to her.

Dear Indie,

We first set eyes on you as we stood on the footpath outside the train station in Bologna.  The Camper company had sent you to pick us up and to be fair I wasn’t expecting you to be bright green with a picture of a scantily clad bustier enveloped lizard woman smoking a pipe with a smoking gun in your hand.  But you were…

We didn’t get off to the best start to be fair as Nigel left the camper depot and promptly drove on the left.  As I was saying “drive on the right”, he stalled the manual transmission and then proceeded to drive up and over the curb.  After we missed our google mapped turn off and ended up in a foreign carpark where we decided it was time for a reset.  So we did, we sat and thought about what we were doing and had a reset.

From there on in we were fine (after we had been to the hypermarket and bought a fan and some other pieces to keep us comfy).  And you didn’t want to drive on the left or stall or hit curbs anymore.

We want to thank you for a few things.

1. Thanks for not breaking down in countries where it would have been a right pain in the arse for you to have broken down.
2. Thanks for constantly reminding us that there was an issue with the drivers airbag and beeping every time we started you up.
3. Thanks for not breaking an axle on the potholes in Romania (and pretty much every other Eastern European country).
4. Thanks also for not getting a flat tyre as we didn’t pay the extra 12 euro a day insurance for that.
5. Thanks for not smashing head on into an incoming truck in the very very narrow roads of some countries that we probably shouldn’t have been in.
6. Thanks for not hitting a donkey driven carriage.
7. Thanks for not being blown off the road in the 100 kph winds at the top of the mountains in Croatia.
8. Thanks for not sliding backwards down the hill in the mud when we had to do a u-turn in the campground in the rain.
9. Thanks also for being such a talking point for every single person in the campground because you were so green.

We dropped you off today and I felt genuine sadness to see you drive away.  You’ve been our home for the last four weeks and we have learned to really love you.  To be fair when we turned up at the depot and dropped you off and saw some of the other visual designs of the vans we honestly thought we had the best one.  Thanks Indie, go have adventures with someone else now.

Love Jen and Nigel x

Dear Camping Grounds of Europe,

Hi thanks for having us the last four weeks.  I have a couple of suggestions you may want to consider.

1. Please advise on check in if you are going to be providing toilet paper (or indeed toilet seats or toilet doors or even only squat toilets). This would be handy.
2. Please provide liquid soap.
3. You may want to also ensure that shower heads have some form of hanger to hang on so you can have an actual shower rather than a hose down.
4. If you are providing a shower can you please also provide a space to put your stuff i.e. hooks to hang a towel on or a small shelf to put your clean clothes.
5. If you tout yourself as 4 star luxury then you need to provide toilet paper, I’m looking at you Italy!
6. Please also advise whether you need one passport, no passports, two passports, money in advance, nothing but a photo of the registration plate of the car etc. prior to check in.
7. If you are providing free schnapps after dinner then please don’t allow us to have more than one.
8. If you offer a kids club then please turn off the music before 10pm… kids need sleep and shouldn’t be doing the Macarena at 11pm!
9. Please don’t encourage dogs to your camp… they bark and lunge at people when they walk to the bathroom (with their toilet paper).
10. If you are situated above an all night rave party then please advise on check in. Dancing til 7am isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. (thank god for the background drone of the fan)
11. If you allow Germans into the camp can you please tell then to be quiet

Love Jen and Nigel x

The Chem Toilet Debacle

Sooooooo… Nigel and I had decided that I would take responsibility for emptying the chem toilet (as he had been dry retching for too many days in a row).  So off I went on my first chem toilet emptying experience.  I took my rubber gloves, my bottle of janola and a smile and good attitude J .  Four days before we had stopped in Greece to buy chemicals for the toilet (which were written in greek and therefore I had simply guessed if they were the right ones for these toilets, based on the pictures on the box).

I successfully emptied the contents of the cassette and then poured a good slug of janola into the cylinder, added a squirt of water and the lid and proceeded to shake the contents inside.

Right… let’s talk exothermic reactions… When unknown chemical A mixes with Chlorine and H2O in a confined space then you get smoke… thick smoke… smoke that pours out of a chem toilet like you’ve shoved a tonne of dry ice down there.  It also produces heat… like burny heat.. haha *awkward laugh.

My first thought was “how the hell am I going to explain to Nigel that I’ve blown up the toilet the first time I have to clean it”.  I then worried that the smoke would kill me if I breathed it in.  So I started pouring water down there.  Water and smoke and water and smoke and a slight panic that someone would walk into the chem toilet washing area and see me with a smoky toilet cassette and think I was an idiot.  I really should have paid more attention in fifth form chemistry.

 

My Croatian friend Marinka had taught me only one phrase in Croatian.  Jebe Mese!  It is a very not nice way to say that you don’t give a f**k.  She also gave me a list of things to see, eat, drink and places to go for the real Croatian experience.  It was a long list and I can see now why.  There is a lot to see, eat, drink and do in Croatia and it’s so incredibly beautiful.  When you get off the beaten track the little villages are truly magical.  Just so darn cute!  The water is super clear and blue and it’s just the ideal little holiday country to be in.

First stop on our Croatian adventure was in Dubrovnik.  As we drove that afternoon to our campsite we went right past the old town from high on the hill.  We were blown away with how incredibly beautiful it was and couldn’t wait to go exploring the next day.  That night we went to a local restaurant where I ordered Cevepici (which I couldn’t actually say).  Little minced meat sausages served with a locally made soft cheese and chopped raw onions.  It was great but we did get eaten by mosquitoes that night, however we were in Croatia so Jebe Mese!

We took the bus into the centre and as soon as we arrived we realised that the loudies were back.  Umbrellas, hats, perms, headphones in to hear the guide and an inability to shut up are the key characteristics.  Anyway, we bought our wall ticket and walked right around slowly taking in the sites and the smells and the general awesomeness of being right in the middle of Kings Landing.  Right in the middle of the day we got hit by a massive thunderstorm.  We pulled out our rain jackets and hunkered down for a bit.  Even in the pouring rain we were having a great time.

The cable car to the top was a definite for us (even though we could have driven up the next day) we love a good cable car.  The view was quite spectacular.  I think it was up there that I told Nigel that Dubrovnik was one of the seven wonders of the world.  He now knows that I’m pretty much full of shit.  I also realised that I am confusing the UNESCO sites with seven wonders, but to be honest Dubrovnik should be a wonder.

After Dubrovnik we went to Split.  This is where my friend Marinka was from and so we had a very specific list of things to do.  The old town in Split is another walled city centre filled with cobbled lanes and archways.   Added bonus is the markets within the city walls selling everything you could think of.  Meat, veges, cheese, salamis, clothes, souvenirs and tiny handmade bags filled with lavender.   We wandered about and ate in the local restaurant and just generally had a good time.  Our camping ground in Split was right on a beach which was a godsend at the end of the day as the temperatures got up to mid thirties and so we welcomed the chance to swim in crystal clear waters in the evening.  A quick jaunt to the Fort which is the site for Kahlesi’s castle in Game of Thrones topped off another wonderful Croatian city.

From Split we headed out to the islands where we were told the beaches were spectacular and we weren’t disappointed.  Another couple of cruisy days lounging on the beach and swimming in the most incredibly clear water I’ve ever seen.  So clear you could see the fish trying to nibble your toes and the crabs scurrying around on the sand.  The car ferries to these islands run every hour or so and  a simple roll on roll off affair.  So great for us to get out to see them and still have the van with us.

Inland then to see one of the seven wonders of the world (Or possibly another UNESCO site) Plitvice Lakes.  A series of lakes joined by travertines that flow downhill connected by waterfalls.  There are kilometres and kilometres of walking tracks that take you through, under, over and beside the lakes and waterfalls and are incredibly well maintained considering the size of the national park.  When we arrived it was raining.  The campground was a muddy, soggy, wet mess.  The temperature had also dropped to 12 degrees and the overnight low was around 4 degrees.  We hunkered down that night in the van listening to Fat Freddies Drop and hoped for the weather to clear the next day.

It didn’t.

We decided to chuck on a raincoat and brave the cold and wet.  And it was still amazing.  So beautiful and the lakes are so clear.  We walked the first track and after 3 hours were soaked to the bone and starting to get really cold.  But Jebe Mese! We wanted to see the damn lakes so we carried on.  We made a judgement call to see if the sun came out the following day to go back and try the other side of the park.  Luckily the sun was shining and we managed to see the other side (even though it was a long drive that night for Nigel to get to our next stop which was Trieste Italy via Slovenia.

I can’t tell you much about Slovenia but I can tell you that the drive there from Plitvice Lakes through Croatia take you past some incredibly sad and confronting parts of war torn Croatia.  As you drive past the abandoned buildings that are covered with bullet holes and right next to them are the grave sites, all with the same date of death on them.  It brings you back down to earth and was actually quite humbling.   It also reminded you that there are still landmines in the ground and that the wounds have not healed for so many Croatians.  Was so sad.

However what I can tell you about Slovenia is that they like a good wood pile there.  Perfectly stacked and completely uniform woodpiles.  Almost as awesome as the haystacks in Romania!  Another new country to add to our rapidly growing list.

From Trieste in Italy we moved on to San Marino (14^th new country this trip and yes we did it on purpose!).  We stayed in a really good camping ground that was a 2 hour drive to drop off our camper the next day in Bologna.  To be fair we weren’t expecting too much of San Marino and really only went there because of the country count and the convenience.  We were so wrong.  It turned out to be one of the best nights of the trip.

We took the shuttle to the old town where they dropped us at the bottom of the walls.  We took the lift to the top and precisely as we walked out of the lift we ran into a parade of probably 100 people dressed in traditional 12^th century clothing and carrying authentic crossbows and flags and walking with drummers along the cobbled streets of San Marino.  We had no idea what was going on but we watched in awe and then decided to follow the parade.  It ended in an enclave within the city where they proceeded to have a crossbow championship firing massive arrows at great speed into the bullseyes down the end.  All whilst the kings and queens of the village sat and ate fruit and drank wine from a long table on the grass.  We could not believe our luck!  We found out (after a bit of a google) that this is an annual event and we happened to be literally at the right place at the right time.  The costumes were incredibly detailed and to see the crossbows in action was totally fantastic.

We ended the evening seeing probably the best sunset we’ve ever seen eating pasta and salad at the very top of the city.  We got lost on our way down and ended up wandering all along through the cobbled streets until we found a bar and got them to ring us a taxi.  What a totally amazing night.  One we will never ever forget.

 

 

 

So we ended our Eastern European adventure at the Black Sea in Bulgaria where we decided to head into Northern Greece for a Souvlaki.  We had been to Greece before but only to Athens and the islands so we were quite surprised with Northern Greece and how incredibly beautiful and different it is to the islands.  Biggest difference was the houses.  More Mediterranean than the white and blue houses of the islands and were instead cream with an orange tiled roof.  Our first night was spent in a campground that has a restaurant which according to the reviews made the best Greek Salad and Souvlaki in all of Greece.  When we arrived the lady at reception looked at us as though we had three heads.  And this is when we realised that Greece doesn’t open until the 15^th of June.  They weren’t ready for us and we ended up being one of two campers in the whole campground.  Also, as the restaurant wasn’t open Nigel and I had to use one of our emergency dinners that we been carrying with us and so first night in Greece we had Hungarian Goulash and some form of pickled vegetable salad from Romania.  They did have free washing machines and so we used our evening to create a Chinese laundry out of the volleyball nets and wash everything we owned.

With our camper smelling like laundry we headed off further along the coast to a seaside resort town to have a swim in the med.  The resort was very typical of Greek beaches.  Rows and rows of sun loungers with an umbrella and you can either pay to rent them or buy a drink form the bar.  The water was incredibly clear and warm like a bath.  We basically parked up and spend the afternoon swimming and sunbathing and enjoying the chilled out atmosphere.  Then we went to dinner!  Souvlaki, Greek Salad Tzatziki and grilled eggplant with peppers.  It was the best meal I think I had ever eaten.  Parked up on the beach beautiful weather and some seriously good food.

The next day we headed inland to an area called Meteora.  Wow it was beautiful.  The mountains are washed and smooth and there are a multitude of monasteries built within the hills and perched on the sides of the mountains.  We stayed in the best camping ground that we had stayed in the whole trip.  It was a family run affair whereby they crank up the outdoor grill every night and serve souvlaki and mixed grills and Greek salads and tzatziki and grilled eggplant and everything you could want.  I then decided that that meal was the best meal I had ever eaten and that Nigel and I should move to Greece.  The next couple of nights we cooked our own souvlaki and made our own Greek salads and bought tzatziki from the supermarket.  After almost a week of it we decided we were good to go for Souvlaki and could move back to something else.

 

Our adventure started after leaving Vienna and heading straight through to Bratislava in Slovakia.  Beautiful castle on the hills and a generally lovely city.  We made our way to a farmers market and we were blown away with the selection of salamis, breads and cheeses.  We also managed to find an English speaking beer connoisseur (who looked exactly like the comic book store guy fro the Simpsons).  He spoke awesome English (which I think he had learnt form online gaming) and encouraged Nigel to try a vast selection of Slovakian beers.  We also had a Slovakian wine recommended and so after filling our reusable grocery bags with a selection of produce we were off to the camp ground.  They don’t make campgrounds in Eastern Europe like they do in other places.  But more on that later.

Our next major stop was through into Budapest for a look around the city.  We decided there and then that the next time we visit it will be on one of the lovely river cruise boats that we saw lined four deep across the Danube (which isn’t as blus as the sing tends to make you think).  They are all parked up and it’s so easy to jump off for the day and do the grand tour (inclusive of goulash and free wifi.).  It was very humbling though to be in such a magnificent European city.

That night we stayed at a very out of the way campground next to a lake.  We went swimming as soon as we arrived and it was lovely to be so close to nature.  Just after dinner one of the Hungarian locals (who had a permanent dwelling at the campsite) dropped by and in very broken English said “come for drink – no crazy”.  We refused and he insisted “No crazy” he kept saying “no crazy”.  Well how do you pass that up?

Nigel had spent some time working with Hungarians in Russia and so only knew one word in Hungarian “Aggashigida”.  It’s basically “cheers” or “yay! lets have some more spicy flavoured booze that comes from a bottle in the shape of a football”.  Really handy language skills for our drinks with the locals.  As it turns out he and his wife and 8 year old son and the neighbour weren’t crazy.  They were just so fascinated with how two New Zealanders ended up in Hungary in a bright green Portuguese Camper.  We managed for a whole evening using Google translate.  It was great fun.

That was also the night I dropped the phone and cracked the screen… but that’s another story.

From Hungary we were off to Romania, which we loved.  I fell in love with Haystacks, Storks, Castles and Horse drawn carriages.  The roads are really terrible in parts, like terrible but the villages we went through with their gypsies on the side of the road selling berries to the special stork nest things on the lampposts were really special.  I assume they build the storks a nesting perch so they don’t build over their chimney.  But seeing the stork with their chicks sitting in almost every town was sensational.  You do have to avoid the horse and carts though and that adds another skill level to the driving.

We stayed a few nights and then headed right into the heart of Transylvania to stay at Vampire Camping in Bran.  Home to Draculas Castle.  Vampire Camping was actually quite good.  They provided toilet paper and the showers had doors – bonus and they had painted blood dripping from a V on every post in the camp.  I had a pretty sleepless night though as the wind had picked up and it started to howl.  I know it was my imagination but I was a little freaked out in Transylvania, it was moody and bleak and just a bit scary.

What an incredible experience that day was.  The castle was packed with locals and the most tourists we had seen in ages.  We queued to enter the castle which was high on a hill and as we entered it was 27 degrees and sunny.  By the time we had toured trough half of the castle and were entering the courtyard the temperature had dropped and the thunder and lightning had set in.  I also then saw a wolf… It could have been just a big black hairy dog but let’s go with wolf!  I swear that if I’d heard a wolf howl at that time I would have run for my life.

After we left he castle we climbed up into the mountains where the temperature dropped to 12 degrees (from 27 degrees) and the rain washed all the bugs off our camper.  By the time we had reached the Black Sea (our next destination) the temperature was 30 degrees and the bug splats were back.

Our Black Sea Destination was the bees knees for the Romanians.  Us… not so much.  Imagine a beach covered in the umbrellas and beach chairs to hire that stinks of sewerage.  The campsite we had chosen too left a lot to be desired and I can advise that most people tend to miss the squat on the squat toilets… blurgh!  We ended up not bothering with showers that day and proceeded to just put up with each others smell.  But I guess that’s what in sickness and stinkiness and health is all about – Love.

 

22 hours of travel from Vietnam to Venice and we were knackered.  It also didn’t help that I had developed a raging fever and terrible tummy bug on the plane and so when we arrived jetlagged in the rain and tired in Venice I have never been so thankful for an early check in.  The Hotel Canal Grande was right on the Grand Canal and we were so thankful for the sleep.

I love Venice.  I could wander the streets for weeks and still never get bored with the beautiful houses and the lovely canals.  The small back streets with little restaurants and bars were just heaven.  We did the touristy thing and we did the back street thing.  And loved them both.  Went for a boat ride across to Murano to see the glass and walked for hours and hours.  But I tell you what.  We spent some money there.  Compared to South East Asia we were spending five times as much money for everything.  We drew the line at 100 euro for a 20 minute gondola trip.  We can watch others from the bridge.

After some wonderful days in Venice we hopped on a train to Bologna to pick up our van.   Brilliant train trip in the fast train to Bologna and then we met with our Indie Camper crew.  We spent more than an hour going through the van and how it worked and scrummaging through the items left by previous travellers that we might want to take with us.  We decided to stay very close to Bologna to sort ourselves out before heading off on our big Eastern European Adventure.  Next day we went to an Italian version of K Mart and stocked up on all sorted of things to make our life more comfy.  A fan (in the 30 degree heat) was an essential and also nice pillows and mozzie repellent.

It’s amazing how little things like that make such a difference.

Then it was up into Vienna to stay with Nigel’s cousin Chris and his family.  How lovely to arrive somewhere where they offer you a washing machine and free food and the wifi password.  So special catching up with them all again.  Nigel and Chris were up until all hours of the night solving the problems of the world and watching the International Space Station.  We loved our time in Vienna again and seeing Chris and the family once again.  Family across borders.

When it was time to leave we packed up and were waved off by Chris to start our Eastern European Adventure.  About 20 minutes later we realised that we had left the main backpack with the passports and creditcards in it on the couch so it was back to see Chris again.  He was waiting at the gate with the bag when we got back and laughed as he waved us off again.  Love it.

The first time we ventured into the streets of Hanoi I honestly thought I was going to be killed.  The traffic and the noise is horrendous.  You are constantly on your game, trying desperately to not get run over, or more commonly, burnt by the exhaust pipes of the mopeds.  Next time round we were a little more seasoned but still it’s a nightmare.  We had another night at the Oriental Hotel (who were so happy to see us back they made me my very own Papaya Salad for breakfast because I liked it so much).  Just one night though as the next day we were to embark on your 3 day 2 night Halong Bay cruise.

I had been telling Nigel the whole trip that everything was one of the seven wonders of the natural world.  Apparently Haloing Bay actually is!  We were picked up from the hotel in the early morning and then a three hour bus trip to the harbour.  We stopped off so that we could (if we wanted) buy large ornate stone carvings of lions etc. for our front gate.  If you do buy them and you are from another country then you get your photo on the wall.  Good on you Steve and Beverly for buying a large stone dragon to be shipped back to Hamilton.

The boat was adorable.  Only 14 cabins with a small restaurant.  They feed you as soon as you get on the boat and then they set sail.  Wow wow wow!  Halong Bay is just stunning.  You could watch the scenery all day.  There are two different parts to the bay.  The Halong side and the Bai Tu Long side. The Halong side has over 600 ships every day all parked up in the same area.  The Bai Tu Long side has 34.  The Halong side also likes Karaoke whereas the Bai Tu Long side likes squid fishing.

The first night they gave us small fishing rods and turned on a huge light to attract the squid.  Needless to say we spent a good half an hour and saw absolutely nothing.  We had also teamed up with a really nice couple form Quebec who also though it was hilarious to be squid fishing in Vietnam.  We had a lot of laughs with those guys.

Next day the boat goes back to the harbour with the 2 day one night people and we got offloaded onto another day boat where we were taken out to a small inlet where we could go kayaking.  We kayaked right around the islands until we found a small beach.  We could then go swimming and look out for the jelly fish.  The day before one of the tourists had been badly stung by the jellyfish and so we were super careful.. Had a false alarm when a plastic bag drifted past at one point.  And there lies the issue with Halong Bay.  It’s polluted.  And it’ a shame because it’s actually one of the most beautiful natural locations I have ever seen.

We went back to the boat for more food and another go at squid fishing.  We had already decided that we would pretend that there were a million quid the night before (for the new passengers onboard.  But no more than 5 minutes after throwing in the line our friend from Canada had caught one through the body and was hurling it onto the ship.  The debacle of squid spurting ink and not really knowing what to do with the damn thing ensued.  Nigel very gallantly unhooked the squid while the staff went and got us a bucket.  As it turned out no one wanted the squid.  We tried to gift it to the staff but they weren’t keen. In the end we left it in the bucket… poor thing.

Back to Hanoi for one more night.  What an adventure our South East Asia trip has been.  So many sights, so many flavours and senses and an incredible experience.  We really loved it and will definitely be back.

I’ll be honest, the reason why I really wanted to go to Da Nang was because of the line in Good Morning Vietnam where Robin Williams says “Da Nang Me Da Nang Me, give me a rope and hang meeeee!” which in my eyes is as good a reason as any to go somewhere.  So we flew from Ho Chi Minh to spend some time on the beach and what an incredible beach it is.  First brilliant part about Da Nang for us was our hotel.  We had paid for the 15^th floor beachfront room right on the beach and the view was just magic (was still $60)  Da Nang reminded us a little of Surfers Paradise in that it’s a long white sandy beach with high rises along the waterfront and restaurants and bars all along the beach.  The beach however is too hot to be on during the day so the whole town comes alive at night.

It also has a huge incredible bridge which is shaped liked a big Chinese dragon and on Saturday and Sunday nights it breaths fire and spurts laser light lit water from its nostrils.  It’s really a sight to behold…we are told… as although we were there on a Sunday night we thought it happened every night of the week at 9pm not just on the weekends and so didn’t see it.  Anyway, you live and learn.

The beachfront in front of our hotel had seafood restaurant after seafood restaurant.  These all had tanks and could well have been an aquarium as they were huge.  There were also probably 200 tables at each restaurant so it was a massive affair.  We decided to try our luck.

Now, as you know I don’t really eat seafood apart from prawns so we were slightly limited in what we could choose and even then the language barrier proved to be a real issue and we ended up pointing at things that vaguely resembled what the people at the table next door were eating and that looked quite good. We could have gone downstairs and specifically chosen the particular stingray that we wanted and they would have hauled it out and chopped it up in front of us before serving it with great gusto and a side plate for the bones, but we went for the barbequed prawns.  Everything started arriving and so did the staff to deshell your prawns and chop through everything at the table.  We also ordered a beef stirfry (which was understandably probably the worst beef stirfry we had in Asia).  It was one of those meals that you put down in the books as an experience but not necessarily for the food.

After the beach life came the Hoi An Life.  What a pretty little city.  We stayed right on the edge of the Ancient City which is a walled little town with a canal running through it.  They are famous for their lanterns and everywhere you look they are hanging in every colour.  They are in the trees, the hotels, the restaurants and in the night market stalls where you can buy them.  It’s also the number one destination for locals to come and have photos for their wedding album taken.  So at night when it is particularly beautiful you will see happy couples in their traditional gowns and suits with their hairdresser, stylist and two photographer’s in tow following them about all the main spots to take very loved up (but not actually touching) photos.

When we arrived, the receptionist told us that we were so lucky as we had arrived on the night of the lantern festival and so we needed to be in town ready for when that started (she also told us that although people will try and make you buy an entrance ticket to the ancient city just to say you are only walking through and not stopping – good advice that was).  Just after the sun goes down the cute little old ladies who have been selling bananas to you all day come down to sell little paper lanterns with lit candles in them.  You take them to the edge of the canal and release them and make a wish.  Hundreds and hundreds of little floating candles then go down the canal and end up… well who knows where but it is incredibly magical for the observer.  We felt so lucky to be there on the one night it happened to witness it and thought that it made up for missing the dragon fire water spout bridge.  Next day when we went to breakfast the waitress said “You are so lucky you are here just in time for the lantern festival tonight… make sure you are in town for the lanterns it will be very special”.  Appears that every night is lantern festival night in Hoi An!

We walked and walked and bought mangosteens in the market and ate amazing Vietnamese food and swam in the hotel pool when it was too hot.  We also did a huge load of laundry for $1 a kilo and got woken by the fire alarm at 7am (which was a good practice run for Nigel and I on how long it takes us to evacuate a hotel room). It was fine just someone burning the toast in the restaurant.

We had hired a driver for the day and he picked us up from Hoi An and was to take us to Ba Na Hills and wait for us and then drive us back to Da Nang.  He was a bit of a character.  We called him Tootie McTootface.  He tooted when he was passing someone, coming up to a corner, driving past someone on the road, driving straight through an intersection, when he wanted to show us buffalo and pretty much any time he thought that a jolly good toot was necessary.  He also loved 1990’s Boy band music and was especially fond of George Michael.  He was a bit of a Karaoke King too but only knew the chorus.  We had a good old singalong in the car that day me and him.  He also had very limited english which mainly consisted of “Oh La La Vietnam” anytime he saw someone carrying something large and awkward on a scooter (which happens all the time in Vietnam).  Dude on scooter carrying large red plastic horse “Oh La La Vietnam”.  Dude on scooter carrying sheets of plywood “Oh La La Vietnam” Dude on scooter carrying 6 foot palm tree… Oh you get the picture.

So Ba Na Hills.  It’s pitched as a quaint French Colonial Village high in the hills overlooking Vietnam.  And it sort of is, except its all fake.  When we arrived we were dropped off at a replica of the Forbidden City in Beijing.   This is reception and as you walk through the walls and enter what looks like the lobby of a massive hotel and ascend the escalators to the cable car entrance you start to wonder why you feel like you’ve got yourself into a queue at Disneyland that you don’t really know what it’s for.  The paths lead through lovely cultured gardens to the cable car system in a very queue like and systematic fashion.  We started to get suspicious.

Now the cable car ride is spectacular.  It’s about 5 kilometres long and runs right up and over the rain forest straight up the hill.  We were very lucky as the weather was perfect for us on the way up and when we arrived at the top we felt cool air for the first time since we’d arrived in Sth East Asia.

The first clue was the massive construction site with cranes and bulldozers that is building the next stage of the Ba Na Hills resort due to open in 2020.  It’s going to be amazing, huge and Gothic inspired and very European.  We then entered a European inspired Village that has been built from the ground up to resemble what could be a European Village somewhere at some point in time that was sort of French Colonial and kind of Italian Renaissance and very Gothic.  It has a Cathedral and a town square and for some reason a German Beer Hall, a Luge and a Wax Museum.  Even the temples that they have built at the top of the hill for meditation have piped music and seem to be more temply than the temples we had seen.

They have people dressed in European clothing to have your photo taken with (steampunk Victorian outfits, a giant slinky?? and other German and French inspired outfits).  They have bands playing the theme from Game of Thrones as well as an oom pah pah band in the beer hall.  The Vietnamese absolutely LOVE It.  They can’t take enough photos of themselves in front of all these wonderful things.  The Loudies also love it and hire costumes to wear while they are taking photos of themselves in this beautiful European Village… which it is… but it’s not.

We had a really awesome day though.  The crowd watching was hilarious, the German beer hall was fun (they had very good German Sausage Hotdogs) and the cable car ride was worth every cent.  It’s just really not what we were expecting.  Which to be honest sums up Vietnam quite nicely.  Things are never what you expect.  Maybe it’s because it’s only really opened up to tourism lately and not many people have been here before?  Maybe it’s because we really didn’t have any preconceived plans and ideas on what we were going to do?  I don’t know it’s just that the whole country surprises us at every turn.

We went back to Da Nang for one last night (one last chance for the Da Nang Me Da Nang Me line) and because I had reviewed the Hotel well on Tripadvisor after our first stay we were upgraded to the top floor suite and so decided that we could have room service and watch the world go by from our beautiful room.  And a pretty amazing world it is too.

 

 

 

So with the holiday weekend over and our trip turned backwards it was time to head back into Vietnam. We did this via Cambodia Angkor Air (that we called Shonky Air) from Siem Reap to Ho Chi Minh (Saigon).

This is the business capital of Vietnam and the streets are cleaner and less congested than Hanoi. The buildings are taller and the skyscrapers more shiny.

The main centre has a replica of Notre Dame right next to the central post office which a high school teacher from Perth told us was designed by Gustave Eiffel. We personally couldn’t see any resemblance to any other Eiffel inspired anything and spent a while making jokes about how much it didn’t look like the Eiffel tower. Right now when I google it I find that the Perth school teacher was full of shit, it’s not an Eiffel Post Office…. Aussies aye?!

On our first night we went out for a lovely meal at a typical Vietnamese restaurant, one that brings the westerners an iPad with photos of the food so you just point at what looks nice. We’ve found that it doesn’t really matter what you get in Vietnam. It’s all YUM! Fresh, light and really tasty. We have taken to just ordering something that we don’t know what it is and getting surprised when it arrives. It hasn’t failed us yet. Problem is that I won’t be able to ever order them again as we don’t know what they are.

We organised a day trip out to see the Cu Chi Tunnels where the Vietnamese get to tell their side of the Vietnam War. I had read the reviews on-line and it appeared that most people really liked it and found it interesting and then another group find it really disgusting and brutal and didn’t appreciate the propaganda side of it. Especially they didn’t like all the different ways the VietCong managed to hurt, maim and kill the enemy Americans.

They give you a 20, 40, 60 or 100 metre option when they send you into the tunnels. I (thankfully) took the 20 metre option as it was understandably claustrophobic. The tunnels are only about a meter high in places and about half a meter wide and dark. As you enter the guide says “look out for the spiders and snakes!” The main issue I had was that we had just been watching a snake sliding about at the bottom of one of the tunnels they showed us from the top! Yep 20 was plenty thanks.

There’s a firing range in the middle and so as you walk through the site you hear the bangs and booms and rat tak tak of the automatic weapons. It’s all fodder for numerous “my time in Nam” quips and an inability to get the Full Metal Jacket soundtrack out of your head. Perhaps that’s why some people hate it.

It’s not a sombre memorial. It’s not a place to come and mourn those lost and the horrors or war and the after effects of it. It’s more like an historic village where they show you how they cooked without smoke, how they camouflaged the snipers as termite mounds and how they dug bear traps to impale the Yanks. They have models of the guerrilla fighters for you to stand with and have your photo taken and in the middle they give you tea and tapioca. It’s also not the Western side of the story, it’s a violently patriotic Vietnamese version that shows them living happily in the fields until the enemy Americans arrived and tried to take their way of life from them and their families. The guide said the difference was that the Americans were just waiting for their time to go back to their home, but the Vietnamese were defending their only home.

Each to their own but we found it interesting and Nigel got to fire an AK47 on automatic and so that was a bonus.

Next we are heading to Da Nang and Hoi An and if we have time the BaNa Hills.

“It’s like I’ve closed down all my apps”

That’s what Nigel said as he was lying back in the pool that we had below our balcony in Siem Reap.  “It’s like I’ve switched off all the apps in my brain and now I only have holiday mode”.    This is what week number three feels like for the both of us.  I have also swiped away all my apps and now only have two running in my head.  Wikipedia and Trip Advisor and Nigel has Google Maps.  I don’t know how we travelled before without Wikipedia, Trip Advisor and Google.  “Where’s the nearest convenience store?” “Best visitor rated Hotels next to main point of interest” “Are all KTV bars brothels?” “How do you cook Lotus flower?” “What are the side effects of Deet?” ”Are Thai Millipedes Poisonous?” “What’s the difference between jackfruit and breadfruit?” “What is the bird that goes Whoot Whoot in Laos called?” How did we ever cope?

Siem Reap surprised us, in a good way.  I think we were expecting something pretty Third World but it was actually fairly upmarket.  Firstly the main part of the Old Town (where we stayed) loves their neon lights.  It’s like Vegas on a really really small Cambodian scale but Pub Street (Tell it like it is Cambodia) is full of neon lit Pubs that all have happy hour running from 10am – 8pm every night with 50 cent beers!

Restaurant food is cheap and very good.  A dish of fried chicken and veges with rice goes for about $2NZD and we had an entire meal out one night for just over $10.  We also had a meal that cost about $80 so I guess it will depend where you go.  Breakfast at the hotel was really good and filled us up every morning with Pho and omelettes and fruit and home made yoghurt.

The reason that you go to Siem Reap is for the Angkor Temple Complex.  It’s a massive area that houses multiple temples (only one of them is called Wat).  We had a private tuktuk who took us everywhere and then waited for us to come back or drove around to meet us on the other side to go to the next one.  He cost $15 for the day to do this and was really great.  He had a little hammock that he would hang in the back of the tuktuk when we weren’t there for a nap and otherwise all the tuktuk drivers knew each other and they all chatted away while they waited.

There are two main issues with the temples.

They are full of very loud Chinese or Korean tourists (buses and buses of them) all carrying umbrellas or big Vietnamese hats or hand held fans.  They all want to do nothing but get to the top for a photo and stop for an ice cream at the end.  And they are so loud!  When we first arrived in Vietnam we were talking to a local and she called them “Loud-ees” and that’s what we’ve called them ever since.  I’m not sure why they need to yell at each other incessantly and carry speakers playing music and just generally be LOUD all the time… but they do.  To be fair we have encountered large groups of Loud-ees all over South East Asia… it’s not just a temple thing.

Anyway, Loud-ees aside the other issue with Angkor is that it’s really really hot and incredibly humid and the temples are very tall to climb.  You need a lot of water and a lot of tolerence and some really sturdy thigh muscles.  It was a really full on day and by the end of it when I started to get a bit fainty and Nigel thought his eyeballs would bleed if he had to look at another ruin, we decided to head straight back to the Hotel for a swim.  That was brilliant.  I think that’s when we had the conversation about the apps until the afternoon thunderstorm hit and we left the pool to watch the lightning hit the buildings around us.  That was also brilliant – scary and really freaky but brilliant.

Our hotel had a group of real characters on the staff.  The two receptionist’s liked to have a joke with everyone all the time and remembered everyone by name.  As you walked down the stairs you’d hear “Good Morning Jenny!”  “Good Morning NeeeGarl!” (Everyone apart from english speakers always have issues with pronouncing Nigel) “Enjoy your breakfast, have a nice day”.  When you returned to the hotel they had ice cold towels ready for you as soon as you walked in the lobby.  “Welcome back Jenny, Welcome back NeeeGarl – did you enjoy your day?!” It was really sweet.

I needed to get our Vietnam Visas printed out so I went and asked Jessica at reception. “No, we only have a copier and not a printer, you will need to sort it out on your own” “Do you have any suggestions I asked?” “Nope”, she said” you deal with it, you wanted to come to Cambodia”.  “Is there another hotel that could help me?” I asked.  “NO! Hotels in Cambodia are not here to print out Vietnam Visas” she barked.  I waited, as I really thought I was dealing with a nutter.  “Only joking” She said “its $10USD for printing shall I put that on your room?” “OK” I said, thinking far out that’s a bit steep.  “Per page” she said (and there were 6 pages).  It was about now that the other receptionist started to giggle and I twigged that she was absolutely taking the piss.  Her completely straight face when she explained that you are in Cambodia now and this is what it costs did have me going though.  We’d been warned about scams etc. but you don’t expect it in your hotel from the lovely receptionist who knows your name and calls your husband NeeGarl.  Anyway, at the end she smiled and said “only joking Jenny, it’s going to be free”.

I got her back though when before I left I told her that our tuktuk driver wanted to be her boyfriend.  She believed me for about 30 seconds.

 

 

 

So we asked the two receptionists on the way out whether it was pronounced Lao or Laos.  They both immediately answered, in unison… both answers!  Then they proceded to argue with each other over whether it’s Lao or Laos.  Finally the other guy on reception came over and said “well they are both right”.  So this is what I can now gather.

It is the Lao People’s Democratic Republic.  They are Lao people.  The French called it Laos when they unified the Three Lao Kingdoms.  So all in all the Lao call it Lao and in English and French it’s called Laos.

As an aside, Nigel has a theory about why the monks have to ritually cleanse themselves after they are touched by a woman.  And it does involve multiple showers, three times a day to rid your male celibate self of all the ‘sin’.  I’ll leave that there.